la'jjii :/-*•* *-~i
Photo by Edward Thayer Munrx
comes in at the door
gloom flies out at the window.
Have It Come In Your Door
and you won't care whether
it rains, shines or freezes.
America's Breeziest Magazine
1 57 1 Broadway,
New York City, N. Y.
Enclosed herewith is One ($1.00) Dollar for which kindly enter
my subscription for "THE TATLER" for One (i) Year.
Yours very truly,
A Few April Showers
A BROADWAY lounge lizard was run over by a road roller the other
-*"*- day and his friends were surprised to see how it had broadened his
The old original April fool is the one who believes that a chorus girl
loves him for himself alone.
Fifteen Philadelphia ministers have designed a " moral gown," which
comes within three inches of the throat and is no more than seven inches
from the ground. But, who will wear it?
The only proof of spring that we know of is the fact that the girls
are getting their furs out of storage.
Women threaten to uncover their ears for the first time in a decade,
but don't they hear enough now?
The talk of disarmament is in the air but it will be a long time
before the Broadway girls give up their smokeless powder.
New York horses have dwindled from 118,000 to 76,000 in one year
and horse sense has decreased at about the same ratio.
One Fourteenth St. clothing house advertises " Pants, $2.19 a leg.
In spite of the fact that the " best minds " have been called to con-
ference by President Harding, none of the theatrical managers is missing
One Broadway actor is in favor of keeping the tax and letting the
government have the income.
New York runs under two kinds of time — eastern Standard and
President and Treasurer
Walter E. Colby
Vice-President and Secretary
Published Monthly by
The Tat ler Pub lish ing Corporal ion
1571 Broadway. New York City
Single copies, 1 5 cents, obtained from al 1
newsdealers. By subscription one dollar
a year, in foreign countries $1.50 a year.
WALTER E. COLBY
April, 1021. Vol. 3. Knteritl as second-class matter May C, 1920, at the Tost Office at Nov York,
N. V., under the Act of March 3, 1879. Copyright, 1921. by the Tatler Publishing Corporation.
No <*ontrihutlons will l>e returned unless, accompanied by stamped and addressed envelope. Tiik
April, 1921. Vol. 3. Entered as second-class matter May 0, 1920, at the Post Office at New York,
Oh Joy: We Can Kiss On Sunday
FOR some time there has been a doubt
about it. The reformers who are
interpreting our laws for us have oeen
on the trail of this and that and it has
been alleged that they would not allow
a man to kiss his wife on Sunday, this
being almost as great a crime as whist-
ling or reading a Sunday newspaper.
But we are charmed to learn that they
will allow a man to kiss his wife or
anybody else who is willing to be kissed.
Dr. Harry L. Bowlby of the Blue Law
Alliance has recently made a speech in
New York wherein he said:
" The Lord's Day Alliance is not op-
posed to kissing on Sunday or on any
other day. It is a very enjoyable oscu-
There is a lot of good news in this
speech for some people and a lot of
bad news for others. If kissing were
prohibited entirely it would save some
aged millionaires a lot of money. Just
the ether day a Maryland jury gave a
woman $10,000 for a kiss which she
alleged had been purloined by a rich
man while he was undergoing a mani-
cure. She asked for $40,000 but the
jury evidently decided that was a form
of profiteering and that no kiss was
worth more than the amount awarded.
It is not known how much has been
spent for kisses in this country in the
past ten years but probably enough to
pay off the national debt.
However expensive, kissing is some-
thing that the American public must
have and it is downright kind of the
Blue Law committee to allow it. We
don't know how they could ever have
stopped it because if they had tried,
the country would be flooded with illegal
bootleg kisses and these sub-rosa ones,
WE HAVE HEARD TELL, are the
O OCIETY is on the stage.
**^ Society is in the moving pictures.
Society is promoting championship
Society is building racing motor-boats
Society is coming out strongly against
the Puritanical laws.
Society is getting interested in base-
ball and is even shooting craps.
Society is backing musical comedies
and is marrying grand opera singers
now and then.
Society is banding together to effect
the abolishment of the burdensome in-
Society is getting into politics and is
making speeches and fighting the radical
Society, in fact, after many weary
years, is proving that there is a little
red blood circulating in its system.
It is about time.
When men become famous, they begin to pose for a statue. When women
become famous, they begin to pose for a man.
The last photograph posed hi) unfortunate Lillian Lorraine before she met with the
accident which ended her famous career as a show girl and stur
Geislcr and Andretre
Calling It a Day
'T'HE Lounge Lizard — He rises at noon and gives himself an hour's strenuous
mental discipline deciding which scarf he will wear. He puts his trick mous-
tache through its tricks. He saunters forth with a six-ounce cane, which he can lift
as high as his head to signal a taxi. He goes to one of his favorite haunts and lifts
three loaded tea-cups in quick succession. He dresses for dinner, brushing his own
hair and everything. He makes one bright remark during the evening — by accident.
He retires at one a. m. in a fatigued condition.
The Prize Fighter — He rises in time to knock the iceman playfully down a flight
of steps. He eats corn beef and cabbage for breakfast. He goes out for a stroll on
the Bowery and beats up a couple of plain clothes men. He downs a couple of shots of
fusel oil. He jumps- into a taxi after dinner and runs up on Fifth Avenue, where he
has an engagement to knock out a pair of bruisers at a society affair of the Four
Hundred. He dances with a subdeb, and pinches a dowager. He goes home and knocks
down the janitor.
The Home Brewer — He rises at dawn, and rinses out seven dozen bottles. He
siphons fourteen gallons of three weeks' old stuff from one jar into another. He
siphons it back again. He goes out and buys some more sugar. He rinses three
hundred and fifty more bottles. He siphons some two weeks' old stuff back and forth
until noon. He goes out and buys some more raisins. He stirs syrup. He puts some-
thing on to boil. It boils over. So does his wife. He siphons several dozen bottles.
He corks them. He tastes a little of his ten weeks' old stuff. He goes to bed — for
TACT: Tact is what prevents a gray-
haired old rounder with wrinkles in
his face from reminding a youthful-
looking woman in knee-length skirt that
they were boy and girl together.
Thrift: Thrift is what causes the
telephone company to issue an order to
the effect that no operator shall tell you
the time» of day. Instead of saying
" Eight o'clock," she saves a lot of time
by saying: "We are not permitted,
under the rules of the company, to give
you the time of day."
Telephone: An instrument of torture
which works assiduously only when some-
one wants to get you to whom you do
not want to talk.
Theater: A place where people go to
talk business, politics, fashions, gossip
and everything except theatricals.
Tea Room: A place patronized by
people who have been told by their
physicians not to eat very much.
Twaddle : A sort of argument used by
a Blue Sunday orator.
WE CAN BE BRIBED!
T^T/"E are opposed to the blue laws.
' ' We knock 'em every chance we
get. We shall fight 'em to the last ditch,
and when we get to the last ditch, we're
going to try to bury them in it.
However, there's one condition on
which we will go over to the other side.
If they want our vote, they can have it
— on our terms. We shall come out on
a blue law platform, on condition that
the blue laws are rewritten to include:
People who eat candy in crackly paper
People who repeat the anecdotes and
cute sayings of their five-year-old future
People who tell about the wonderful
liquor they had last night.
People who tell how the country
should be run — in a smoking car.
People who boast about their ances-
People who jingle keys in their pockets
while they're talking.
People who carry an umbrella with
the point sticking out behind.
Intimate Bits About People You Know, Have Seen or
Have Heard About
E> ROADWAY is turning
-*-' its jaded eyes on an
unaccustomed romance. Its
incandescent-burned and wearied orbs
are being refreshed by a love story as
sweet and simple as the first wood violets
The heroine is pretty little Genevieve
Tobin, who is revealing a Maude Adamsy
talent in " Little Old New York " at the
Plymouth Theatre. Across Forty-Fifth
street the sign " The Skin Game " blazes
above the Bijou. When Miss Tobin's
dainty form flits into the stage door a
tall, fair-haired youth stands at the door
of the Bijou Theatre and looks after it
with keenly personal light in his boyish
blue eyes. He is William A. Brady, Jr.
He is business manager of " The Skin
Game." His price for continuing at Co-
lumbia College this year was the manage-
ment of the Galsworthy play.
He had met Genevieve Tobin while she
was appearing under his father's man-
agement with Wilton Lackaye at The
Playhouse. But he was still more lanky
and bashful then and ever so much
younger. A year is a great slice out of
a man's life when he has only contrived
to accumulate two and twenty twelve-
months. But since they have become
working neighbors on the tributary to
Broadway, accident has brought about a
renewal of their acquaintance.
The manager of the counter attraction
lends his support to a rival one. At least
to the extent of heaping compliment upon
compliment in his praise of the young
leading woman and of escorting her home
and to dances.
Whether this bud of romance will be
chilled by the frost of separation when
"Little Old New York" goes on the
road, or whether its roots are deep
enough to flourish without the aid of
propinquity, is a matter of deep and
tender concern to The Street
One element that favors permanency
in this young affection is their common
interest in the theatre. Their family ties
are all of the stage. " Bill " has said he
would never marry until he found a girl
as lovely as his sister, Alice.
By THE TATLER
John Barrymore, dis-
coursing to and sunning
himself in the adulation of
a group of adoring matinee maids, said:
" Screen work is harder than stage work.
The screen takes you down to your
Girls are funny creatures. They're
not nearly so afraid of having thick
heads as they are of having thick
In one of the exclusive Fifth Avenue
hotels the widow of a western millionaire
watches the progress of her son's mar-
riage. Three months ago the callow
youth, who had not yet voted, married a
beauteous show girl, well known of the
Rialto. So great was her pulchritude
that one may safely revive an old phrase
about her and call her " The toast of the
town." But alas for the permanence of
human happiness! This human rose has
a thorn. She is addicted to the cup that
may contain wood alcohol. The addiction
was known to the wealthy widow when
her son brought home his bride. The
western widow spoke plainly to the pair.
" I put you both on probation," she
said. " My son, you must go to work.
My daughter-in-law, you must fight your
foe. If after two years you, my son,
come to me and prove that you have sup-
ported your wife, and that she has ab-
stained from the liquor habit, I will con-
sider helping you. But not before."
Visions which the somewhat tired
show girl had of home, and ease, and af-
fluence paled and vanished in the farthest
distance. Her little daughter, aged six,
must be maintained. The pair resolved
itself into a committee of ways and
means. The way it decided led back to
the stage. The show girl has returned to
the stage. Her bridegroom, who is five
years younger than herself, is revolving
satellite-like about her, and sharing the
contents of her pay envelope.
A watched pot never boils, but a
watched woman usually boils over.
(Continued on next page)
(Continued from page 5)
Of what strange ingredients is an en-
chantress compounded? One who is
dancing in a Broadway production is
richly endowed with them, whatever they
The street looked through its glasses at
a situation not yet seen on the stage. A
tall young critic was forced by the ex-
actions of newspaper life to witness the
performance and write a critique of the
work of the enchantress who, a few brief
years ago, had cruelly jilted him. Jilt-
ing of critics and others are not uncom-
mon. But this young critic was over-
whelmed by the turn in his heart affairs
and was convinced that life held no more
savor for him. He felt that there was
nothing to live for. But the years, and a
marriage in the rebound, healed to some
extent his wounds, even though the scar
is deep and distinctly visible. He still
talks of her loveliness and her art to
those who are interested in the art Terp-
sichorean. His brief review of the play
in which she appeared alluded to her as
" one of the greatest dancers of her
time," and informed us " there were love-
ly moments and these were chiefly " the
Another metropolitan critic who great-
ly admired her was induced to go to a
cabaret with her. Arrived there she,
by her subtle art, persuaded him to dance
with her. The critic, who is ponderous
and far from his youth, fell and broke his
arm. By his explanation of that incident
to his wife he qualified for a best selling
novelist. He has since been divorced.
The dancer, who is not of this country,
is not especially beautiful. But she is
immensely attractive to the human male.
A young and usually serious multi-mil-
lionaire erstwhile grovelled at her feet.
A famous English author and a states-
man as famous were rivals for her favor.
From the house of one she fled in the
company of a Cossack officer to the war
lines. He was killed in battle and she
returned to the cafes seeking and soon
finding comfort. New York will offer her
new quarters for conquest.
/ think it in time to get up an enter-
tainment, the proceeds of which shall
go to the devastated Liberty Bond hold-
ers of America.
pearing in the role written for that be-
loved actress, temporarily incapacitated,
to mention the missing one would have
been a graceful act. Omitting that men-
tion has not increased her popularity
with audiences or the profession.
/ never see the newspaper pictures of
an engaged royal couple that I don't feel
sorry for both of them.
Smiles, sophisticated wags of the head
and " Don't you knows?" answers the
query : " Why was Irene Castle Treman's
contract to dance in London broken?"
Mrs. Treman did not herself break it.
She will go to London in May. She will
dance in London, even though under dif-
ferent management. It was the British
management upon which the onus of the
unfulfilled engagement falls. And behind
this breach of faith looms the story of
the influence of another dancer who de-
clined to appear on the same programme
with a rival in grace.
Since the return of Jansci Dolly to
these United States rumors of a divorce
from Ha^-ry Fox are loud. This is the
second sundering of the love ties of the
temperamental pair. This one promises
to be permanent.
Why, O why, did Lillian Gish abandon
David Wark Griffith's management after
successive triumphs under his banner?
" It was money," said the gifted young
actress. " I had to look to the future.
Mr. Griffith is the richest of the directors
in genius, but because he does his work so
lavishly and splendidly, is one of the
poorest in purse. I did not care about
Theatregoers wonder why Ruth Chat-
terton in her curtain speeches never al-
ludes "to Maude Adams. Since she is ap-
A member of Tetrazzinni's retinue says
that the woman with the wondrous voice
has individual methods of sustaining her
top notes. She does it, he says, by the
blood of the beef.
" On the days when Madame is to sing
she eats nothing. But she orders a large
quantity of beef, sometimes as much as
sixty pounds, and has it pressed by an
enormous hand press. From this she de-
rives a glass or a glass and a half of
blood. She sips this blood and becomes
strong. She also has oxygen pumped into
her throat. Blood and air strengthen her
(Continued on page 8)
Marilynn Miller, the Toast of Broadway
^^r ^k^0^Sf*^*^% < " "
♦_ . • ■
" j\. •■ ■
i. . ■ *
(Continued from page 6)
for the performance. When she has sung
she loosens her stays and orders spag-
No, the member of the retinue is not
her press agent. Yes, I believe it.
Massachusetts man who speaks ten
languages has just married a woman
who speaks only seven, but we'll bet on
David Belasco enjoyed the shortest
run he has ever had on Broadway re-
cently. Not only did he stage it, but he
appeared in it in person, playing oppo-
site a certain ticket speculator. Belasco
was about to step into his car when he
overheard the " spec " offering a balcony
seat to " Deburau " at $3. He turned
around and started after him, but the
speculator, evidently realizing that the
sturdy figure with the white hair wasn't
a prospective customer, but " meant
business," showed a clean pair of heels.
Bystanders, declare that the producer
showed good form as a sprinter, and
that his performance could be repeated
nightly to crowded houses.
A certain handsome actor, twice mar-
ried and twice divorced, met one of his
former wives at an after-theatre supper
in one of the exclusive dance places re-
cently and under the influence of some
particularly good Scotch proposed to
her all over again — and was accepted.
The marriage was arranged for nine
o'clock the next morning, and the actor
hurried back to his hotel to catch a little
sleep. On the way, he fell in with a
friend and asked him to be best man.
Whereupon, they both went up to the
actor's home and staged a long series of
toasts in honor of the coming affair.
After about the tenth one, they fell
asleep. The actor was awakened by the
best-man-to-be. " Wake up, old man," he
said. " It's almost nine o'clock now, and
we've got to find a minister. We'll be
late." The actor jumped out of bed and
hurried to the phone. " Sorry, my dear,
but I'll be a few minutes late. We won't
be long." " Say," came over the wire.
" That marriage is off. You're twenty-
four hours late. This isn't Tuesday —
way actor. In a reckless moment, he ac-
cepted a drink down there, and he claims
that it burned him inside and out. That
may sound like an exaggeration, but he
says he has the proof. Anyhow, he'll
show you where his hat caught fire.
I had an inquiring paragraph about
Morton Theiss a couple of months ago.
Broadway remembers him fondly and
has wondered where he was. I heard
he had gone west with his brother and
joined him in the hotel business. But so
often did I hear, " Where is Morton
Theiss now? " that I spoke of him in
this column. It brought word from his
brother, word that will bring regret to
his horde of affectionate associates here,
that Morton died some time ago.
He was enjoying life and prospering
when the end came suddenly.
An affinity is a woman who will cook
your goose but not your dinner.
A certain actress who has never quite
made her way to stardom, but who is
deeply loved by an extremely wealthy
theatrical manager, now has some $200,-
000 in the bank — as a token of his
esteem. He did it as a Christmas pres-
ent, I am told, by sending her away
from her apartment one evening whi'e
he remained behind to trim the Christ-
mas tree. This he did by loading it
down with innumerable little chamois
bags, each containing gold and silver
and paper money. It was not exactly
a white Christmas, but you might call it
a yellow one.
Keep away from Greenwich Village
liquor, is the solemn advice of one Broad-
ANNA PAVLOWA ON FREE
T/T/'HEN Anna Pavlowa arrived in
** New York on her present trip to
America, she complained to a friend:
" There is no more the old Russia, the
Russia of music, silver sleigh-bells, the
dance and the imperial theatre. The
rabble have torn everything down, and
have set up nothing instead, for they
have nothing to set up."
" They have set up free love," ex-
plained her friend.
" Which no woman wants if she gets
it for nothing," smiled the famous
A Page of Good Nature — All Smiles
Mona Celeste and Mary Lewis
in the " Greenwich Village Follies "
By Roy K. ZMoulton
OHOW I love the thumbscrew and the ducking stool and manacle
The gibbet and the other joys so purely Puritanical.
I don't see why the liberals should be so rankly cynical
When with these toys we'd reach at once Olympus' topmost pinnacle.
The spirit of mankind, though proud, is steeped in sensuality.
The trend for many years has been to flubdub and banality.
Too long we've viewed our brothers' faults with meed of Christian charity.
The punishment to fit the crime has been, indeed, a rarity.
So hang the duffers by the toes who smoke weeds cigaretical.
Or use sulphuric language which is classed as epithetical.
And those who whistle should be shot by verdicts irrevocable.
We'll make them good if we must croak each sinner who is croakable.
There's been too much of blatant joy and joy is naught but criminal
And they've been singing silly songs not set forth in our hymn-i-nal.
The pleasure-seeking populace has had its fling salubrious
And now it must take gloom and grief and mind our rules lugubrious.
But what if the degenerate and sin-benumbed majority,
Should rise and kick into next week this holy, smug minority?
WHY WE ARE UNIQUE
DECAUSE we can't re-
■D member how many
wives De Wolf Hopper
Because we haven't
seen " Irene."
Because we don't think
Mary Garden is more
beautiful than Helen of
Because, even if we did,
our wife wouldn't let us
Because we never fail
to get action out of a sub-
way slot machine.
Because we think
Frank Craven is funnier
than the last dozen bed-
Because our fountain
pen never leaks.
Because we never
bought orchids for a
Because we only take a
taxicab when it's raining.
Because we have other
ambitions in life besides
GRAND OPERA— The
freedom of the high
VAMP — Anyone on the
stage under the age of
eighty who acts like Mme.
ENCORE— What every
ballad singer takes,
whether he deserves it or
COLD— The condition
of the audience after a
grandmother does child
MONOLOGIST— A man
who begins his act by
taking off a pair of white
MAGICIAN— A mono-
logist who begins his act
by rolling back his cuffs.
PLAYLET— Any vau-
deville act which begins
with a darkened stage,
and a woman in an opera
RASPBERRY— A fruit
that grows in the gallery.
HINTS FOR SERMONS
•*^ have reached such a
state that they'll soon
have to install checkrooms
With these hip pocket
flasks, it's not the origi-
nal cost that counts J — it's
It's against the law to
drive cattle on Fifth ave-
nue, but that doesn't stop
one catty woman from
calling another a cow.
A married man who
was traveling about with
an eighteen-year-old girl
said that she was adopt-
ed. Huh, so was the
The women of Switzer-
land are wearing breeches
for winter sports. We'll
say they are!
The King of Italy is
writing a history of coins.
He ought to be able to get
an interesting chapter on
the history of our last
II u ii rue
Here we have three reigning
stars of the song shops — dainty
Patti Harrold, prima donna of
" Irene " and daughter of Orville
Harrold, tenor at the Metro-
politan; pretty Mitzi in "Lady
Billy " ; and Grace La Rue, sing-
ing with her husband, Hale Ham-
ilton, in " Dear Me." Mitzi
doesn't seem to mind showing a
wedding ring. Miss La Rue has
hers thoroughly concealed. Lit-
tle Patti isn't bothered with such
Twelve THE TATLER
Calendar for April
Fri. 1 — Lillian Russell was revived, 1966, just to prove that beauty never fades.
Sat. 2 — Chorus girls began to wear clothes at rehearsals, 1921, declaring that they
wanted to put on -something once in a while, at least.
Sun. 3 — Wilson turned down a vaudeville engagement, 1921, because he didn't want
to compete with other headliners.
Mon. 4 — Sarah Bernhardt, not able to walk, is still acting, 1921. Plans to continue
her career in heaven, 1941.
Tue. 5 — Paris has sixteen hundred places of amusement, 1921, but they're so
filled with Americans that few Parisians ever get inside.
Wed. 6 — Statue erected in Central Park, 1930, to the only sister act in the history
of vaudeville in which the sisters had the same mother.
Thu. 7 — Eva Tanguay's trunks failed to arrive, 1961, and she appeared in street
costume. No one recognized her.
Fri. 8 — A vaudeville performer was hissed off the stage, 1911, for rudeness. He
failed to call the audience " folks."
Sat. 9 — A naval officer went skating on Lake Placid, 1922, and broke through the
ice. He was immediately signed up for forty weeks.
Sun. 10 — A dramatic critic wrote a play that all the other dramatic critics praised,
1918. He is just getting over the shock.
Mon. 11 — When a Broadway star failed to take her usual dozen bows, 1918, the mana-
ger investigated and found that she had been stricken with paralysis.
Tue. 12 — Vaudeville act criticized for vulgarity because girl's skirt was supposed to
be blown off by bomb, 1920. She had no business wearing one.
Wed. 13 — Children of the future will be taught geography by movies, says Edison,
1921. And they'll be able to get it fresh every week.
Thu. 14 — Nijinski, the dancer, has been sent to a hospital, 1921. He probably fell
and dislocated his name.
Fri. 15 — Former shimmy dancers went to work, 1923, shaking down the ripe fruit in
Sat. 16 — Mary Garden took charge of opera, but who's to take charge of Mary?
Sun. 17 — Kitty Gordon wanted to have her back insured, 1924, but couldn't find a
policy large enough to cover it.
Mon. 18 — Irene Bordoni brought suit for the recovery of her French accent, 1935,
which she lost on Broadway.
Tue. 19 — The Belasco theatre was redecorated, 1930, and all the queer lamps and
mirrors removed, making it look almost like a theatre.
Wed. 20 — So far, 1921, President Harding hasn't endorsed a single play.
Thu. 21 — Frank Tinney began to mix horse-radish with his make-up for the big
scene with the white horse in " Tickle Me."
Fri. 22 — David Belasco inherited five dollars from a brother in San Francisco, 1921,
and opened a new theatre with it, 1922.
Sat. 23 — An actress who married a Greenwich Village poet said she was going back
on the stage. Looks as if she already had.
Sun. 24 — Owing to the role he is playing, Ben Ami is against getting a haircut.
Mon. 25 — A popular member of the acting profession failed to go into bankruptcy,
1919. He said it was an oversight.
Tue. 26 — A special matinee of " The Skin Game," for beauty specialists, would be
Wed. 27 — Winter Garden chorus girls have formed a business organization. 1921. The
treasurer can't conceal the bank.
Thu. 28 — De Wolf Hopper and Francis Wilson, stars in " Erminie," will soon be old
enough to cast their first vote.
Fri. 29 — A bunch of scientists are investigating why it is that a play dealing with
the first year of married life is so successful — on the stage.
Sat. 30 — Mrs. Fiske broke one of her teeth th«, other evening, trying to bite off the
end of a word.
By Roy K. cMouHon
T¥ you are a New York man and you
■* are over 40 years of age, you are on
the junk heap whether you know it or
not. You are a tottering old wreck, your
nerves are all jangled, your shoulders
are stooped and you are only a few
jumps ahead of the undertaker.
It must be so, for a scientist has said
it. He claims that the nervous New
York life makes a man a down-and-outer
at 40, and at 50 he is cheating the
tombstone maker out of a just profit.
" They simply cannot live the life with-
out slowing up at 40," he says.
And, what do you think of that?
I saw one of these tottering wrecks
last night. Only he was not 40 but
about 70. One of his friends told me the
old boy was just beginning to learn to
smoke cigarettes and to sit up nights.
But there is an explanation. The old
guy hasn't read any of the magazines in
which the scientist made his report. He
was coming out of a restaurant in the
Roaring Forties, swinging a cane and on
his arm was hanging a bunch of pretty
furs. Perhaps it was sable and perhaps it
was mink. I was never an expert on furs.
He was on his way to a roof show,
which would let him get home about 2
A. M., but if he is like most
of the old New Yorkers I
know he will wonder what
to do between 2 A. M. and
The strangest part of it
was that I saw a good many
men over 40 the same night
who seemed to be having a
fairly spiffing time around
among the bright lights. I
didn't see one on crutches or
in a wheel-chair.
These old birds doa't know that they
have been cheating the florists and un-
dertakers for thirty or thirty-five years.
It is up to somebody to try and make
them believe it. I don't want the job.
But the fact remains that nobody can
stand the nerve-racking pace of the big
burg more than 40 years without slowing
up and giving concrete evidences of sen-
ility. The scientists are never wrong.
If you are more than 40, you are in the
The scientists have proven it.
Madelon La Varre, on the
Century Roof, to go into pic-
Accidents Will Happen
High Lights of Humor on a Sombre Back-Ground, Being Some Stories
Gathered by a Claim Agent of a Well-Known Insurance Company
from the List of Cases Handled by Him
INSURANCE which pays benefits in
■* case of temporary disability is car-
ried by a great many people. The claim
agent whose business it is to investigate
reported injuries often meets with amus-
ing incidents. Here are a few furnished
by the claim agent of a large insurance
" Some captive rattlesnakes in a res-
taurant escaped from a box in which
they were confined and so frightened one
of the patrons that in his haste to get
out he fell down in front of me and in
getting up, came up underneath me, toss-
ing me over his head."
" I was in bed and dreamed that a
burglar was bending over me. I struck
at him so hard that I was thrown on the
floor with my arm extended and broke
" I placed an electric fan beside my
bed on a hot night. While asleep I stuck
my foot in it."
" In a playful mood I kicked at my
wife while barefooted and accidentally
struck her on the knee, thereby sprain-
ing the big toe of my left foot."
" I was undressing for bed. In re-
moving my union suit I fractured the
second finger of my left hand."
" My wife was curling her hair. I ran
against her and the hot curler struck my
WHY IS IT?
THEY lift their eye-brows.
They heighten their complexions.
They tilt their chins.
They raise their voices.
They elevate their skirts.
They build up their heels.
— And yet there are people who say
that the modern girls do not devote any
thought or time to the higher things.
" I was embraced by a friend, who
playfully said that he could make me
cry, and fractured my rib."
" On a private yacht, I had just had a
highball, got up, the boat gave a lurch
and I sat down on the glass."
" Missed my train and while walking
on country road, fell over a cow lying
in the road."
" Sitting in a chair in a barber shop
and billiard parlor, a ball from the pool
table nearby struck me on the nose,
breaking nose and injuring one eye."
" Had been talking with another man
and as I started to walk along didn't
notice a woman had pushed a baby car-
riage directly in front of me — fell over
" I was going down the walk in front
of my house when an automobile wheel
which had come off two blocks away
rolled down the hill and struck me, frac-
turing both bones of my right leg."
" I was riding in an automobile when
it struck a hole in the road, causing my
teeth to come together with such force
that my lower jaw was fractured."
" Looking for burglars, I was acci-
dentally mistaken by one of my neigh-
bors for the man we were looking for
and he shot me in the arm."
" Shot in conversation."
LASSIES, lend an ear, I prithee,
Heed this hint I now disclose: •
There is art in deft concealment —
Love is largely ruled by clothes.
Shanks exposed are not au fait now
If their stretch for shelter begs; —
Spare the men who are distrait now
When you sit and cross your extremi-
How's Your Inspiration?
ONE actress has said in an interview
that she can never go on in a per-
formance until she can concentrate on
her part and get herself into the soulful
mood. She lies on a couch in her dress-
ing room for one hour before each per-
formance, closes her eyes, clasps her
hands across her breast and concentrates.
When she rises, nobody must be allowed
to speak to her for fear of breaking the
harmony and diverting the soul current.
Well, there's something in that, as we
have found by interviewing several prom-
inent stage people. We find that they
all concentrate before a performance.
Fred Stone, the acrobatic dancer,
closes his dressing room to all callers for
one hour before every performance.
During this time he stands on his
head with his left leg wrapped
around his neck and concentrates on
his part. He has never deviated
from this custom during all his
years on the stage and he finds it
Raymond Hitchcock always puts
on a Hawaiian straw skirt, sits in a
Morris chair in a room dimly lighted
with a red lantern and suffused with
the fumes of an Oriental
and concentrates while
plays to him on the ukulele
wierd tunes of the Pacific.
Leon Errol, who does an
eccentric drunk scene which
has made him famous, has
an imitation bar in his
dressing room. On the
back of the bar are rows of
dummy bottles and in front of the bar
is the old-time foot-rail which he im-
ported from Hoboken at tremendous ex-
pense. For one hour before every per-
formance, he stands with one foot on
this brass rail and concentrates.
But why mention all of them. Robert
Milliard sits and holds a Gardenia under
his nose for one hour; George Sidney
goes and sits in a second-hand store on
Eighth avenue for one hour preced-
ing every performance and concen-
They all do it but it is only fair to
start that Old Boy Volstead cut quite a
large gash in the real inspiration busi-
ness at that.
Dainty Kay Laurel, in "Ladies' Night," looking younger than ever
Our Own Correspondence School
QWhat is an optimist?
» A. An optimist is a man who
carries a corkscrew.
Q. Where do they get it nowadays?
A. Where don't they?
Q. How many times does a screen
A. How many microbes on a one-dol-
Q. How old is Florenz Ziegfeld?
A. Benzine will take raspberry stain
out of a silk shirt.
Q. Why do so many stenographers
have expensive seal coats?
A. B wins the bet. A and C both lose.
Q. Where do screen vampires go
when they die?
A. They never die unless shot.
Q. How many yards does it take to
make a skirt?
A. Less than that.
Q. How do you pronounce Constance
Talmadge's husband's name?
A. Just as it is spelled — Pialoglu.
Q. Who wrote "The Follies of 1920?"
A. Who didn't?
Q. How does Bird Millman's wire get
tight under prohibition?
A. It is packed in a barrel of raisins
Q. Why does William Faversham?
A. All actors do that.
Q. Who brought home the Bacon?
A . John Golden.
Q. Who is the best dancer on the
A. Marilynn Miller, Dorothy Dickson,
Mae West, Constance Binney, Margot
Kelly, Ada Mae Weeks, Florence Wal-
ton, Gertie Hoffman, Adelaide, Louise
Groody, and Fred Stone.
Q. How many hips in the Hippo-
A. Two apiece.
Q. How many ticket scalpers are in
A. How many white blackbirds have
you ever seen?
Q. How many ladies smoke cigarettes?
A. Consult the city directory.
Many a man has slipped on a wedding ring. Slipped on it is right.
A good many fathers are working their sons' way through college.
The man who invented suspenders did a good deal to uphold the
dignity of this country.
"It is better to have loved and lost " wrote the poet. Well, he
may have been right, at that.
The Blue Law Hand-Book
(Designed to aid all Reform enforcement officers.)
T To the Puritans all things are
2. Women should be old at thirty,
men at forty and from then on they
should do nothing but sit and wait for
3. Skirts must all drag on the ground.
They are more sanitary than short ones
because they pick up all the microbes.
4. Promptly arrest any statue that ap-
pears in public without proper draperies.
5. The Maker made the first man and
woman without clothing, which was
very bad judgment.
6. Dancing is hugging set to music.
Men must be allowed to hug nothing but
7. Never mind the rule about men
kissing their own wives. I Few of them
are doing it.
8. All theatrical performances are
immoral. They have been ruining the
race for centuries.
9. Women do not have legs. Those
that do have them are breaking the law.
10. Women do not have shoulders and
chests and backs. Therefore, the same
must be covered.
11. All bureaus and tables displayed
in furniture store windows must be
12. The more blue laws you can think
up, the longer you will hold your jobs.
Rvoses Fkare in the Winter Garden
Who Gets the Prince?
r l 'HEY seem determined
■* to marry off the
Prince of Wales, who paid
us a visit a year ago, and if there is any
young lady either on this side of the
water or the other who has not been
mentioned as the prospective bride, now
is her time to step forward and get the
Within the past few months, the poor
young man, who is not permitted to
enjoy an unhampered bachelorhood and
sow a wild oat or two, has been en-
gaged to a Danish princess, his sister's
lady in waiting, the crown princess of
Moravia, a young lady with whom he
danced in New York, a manicure in
Seattle, a dancer at the London Hippo-
drome, a shopgirl he met while out
walking in Picadilly, Mme. Jazzbo, snake
charmer in the Paris musee; three girls
in The Follies, a Belgian Red Cross
worker, the Duchess of Cholmondeley,
the third daughter of the Begum of
Swat and Miss Clarinda Dingwhizzle of
Red Horse, Wyoming, whom he met on
a Pacific liner and with whom he
danced several times, not to mention
several thousand others whose identity
has escaped us for the moment.
While a great many young women
have received their shares of advertis-
ing by being engaged to the prince, fully
as many more have been advertised as
not being engaged to him, as for ex-
ample note the newspaper paragraphs:
" Miss Lotta L'Envoi, the well known
dancer with the Midnight Colic, an-
nounces that she is not the beautiful
American dancer to whom the Prince of
Wales is engaged. She admits that she
is a beautiful American dancer but she
has never met the Prince. If she had, it
might have been all over by this time.
"By lie Vaux Thompson
Miss L'Envoi does not
care to be considered as
the fiancee of His High-
ness as she is wedded to her art and lives
with her mother in a modest marble
apartment house on the drive with a
large swimming pool in the front hall
and she rides each day in her own Rolls-
Royce. Her present contract has three
years to run at $4,500 per week and she
appears every night on the Roof."
" Miss Betty Bango, the well known
jazz dancer, denies that she is the
American girl referred to as being about
to marry the Prince of Wales. They
danced together in San Francisco last
season but as Miss Bango says " it was
only platonic." She adds: "I expect to
marry and support another good Ameri-
can. I have tried five of them and am
used to them."
" Miss Arline De Vere, when inter-
viewed by her press agent today indig-
nantly denied that she would marry the
Prince of Wales. ' Those castles over
there are all draughty,' she says ' and
the plumbing is mostly obsolete. Any-
how I never could stand the climate of
England. No, you may say that we will
not be married, and this is final. I have
not heard from the prince in some
With the society people digging up
young ladies for the prince to marry and
the press agents digging up young ladies
for him not to marry, the Prince himself
is doing enough matrimonial business to
keep three or four press clipping
bureaus working double shifts.
In the meantime his. mother has got
the girl all picked out and in due time
the Prince will be introduced to her.
It is customary to bring about a formal
introduction just before the ceremony.
GIVE a thief enough rope and he'll Least said, soonest amended,
go into the cigar business.
Never count your chickens before they
An apple a day failed to keep the ser- are kissed.
y ' Let me make the hooch for a nation,
Tell me what you drink, and I will tell and I care not who makes its laws.
you where you are.
Too many cooks spoil the delicatessen
It's a long lane that has no bootlegger. business.
Three Nymphs Noted For Their Grace
The Movie Kiss in Danger
A BLOW is about to
■£*■ be struck at the very
foundation of our cellu-
loid delight. The movie kiss is totter-
ing on its throne and is apt to do a
kaiserwilhelm at any moment.
The International Reform Bureau,
that magnificient organization which is
going to start us all on the road to glory
whether we want to go or not, will make
it a principal business to curb the kilo-
watt-power and voltage of the movie
kiss. It's superintendent has said so.
The Sunday blue laws will be only a
side issue. The anti-movie kiss cam-
pain will be the main thing.
We all know those movie kisses and
gosh, ain't they awful! And, if they
are terrible for the audiences, think how
hard they must be on the actors and
actresses. The principal types of movie
kiss are the following:
The eight-minute non-stop soul kiss
which is too expensive to use except in
first-class productions on account of the
The shuttle kiss which is passed back
and forth. The put-it-on, take-it-off,
wrap-it-up, send-it-home brand is in this
The catch-as-catch-can, known as the
wrestling kiss where one party is will-
ing and the other is not This is per-
By Stuyvesan/ Pell
haps the least harmful to
the morals of the audi-
ence, as the kiss is liable
to land anywhere in a radius extending
from the chin to the eyebrow. It gen-
erally happens when the villyun and
the herowine are half-Nelsoning at the
edge of the cliff. If he succeeds in plant-
ing one on her left ear, he calls it a day
and quits. But it is sinful and very
corrupting to the morals of audiences.
The French kiss between gent'emen
only, commonly known as the official
hero-medal kiss. This kiss is frowned
upon on account of its microbe possi-
bilities and not because it endangers the
morals of audiences.
According to the superintendent of the
International Reform Bureau, the
Demon Rum, Bolshevism and other
menaces of the world are as harmless
as charlotte russe when compared with
the menace of the lady vampire. Cong-
ress will be asked to institute a supreme
court of morals to circumvent her. And
the worst feature of her work is her
Possibly the thing to do is to turn
her loose on the International Reform
Bureau and it's radium to rat poison
that she'll bring 'em into camp.
What do those melancholy birds know
about kissing, anyhow?
'Tis easy to give and take as well,
A step toward Heaven or toward Hell.
When a girl begins to tell a man what kind of woman she thinks he's going
to marry, he might just as well go out and buy the ring.
In fishing for a husband it isn't every woman who can tell a nibble
from a bite.
One reason why Helen of Troy has such a reputation for beauty is because she
never had to ride all night in a Pullman.
Wonder what the governor of North Carolina would say to the gov-
ernor of South Carolina now?
Even a woman who is not naturally religious, will do a lot of praying that moths
won't get into the fur coat she bought during the January sales.
I see the price of shoes has taken a tumble and I am wondering
when the retailers will hear the news.
Miss Joan Sawyer, the famous American dancer,
who has just returned from Paris and a year's suc-
cessful dancing tour of the European capitals. She
will shortly be seen in vaudeville with her dancing
partner, Lee Tanton, and her dog, Achco III, a
handsome Russian ivolfhound, presented to her by
the King of Spain in appreciation of her dancing
How to be Spuzzy, Though Vampish
/^LOTHES make the man, and the lack
^ of them the fellow, according to the
old proverb. Speaking from modern ob-
servation, we should say that clothes
make the lady, and the lack of them the
This lack, however, is not pecuniary,
but pneumoniary. The vampire does not
so much deprive herself of clothes as she
restricts their field of operation, so to
speak. Her problem is not what to wear,
but where to wear it.
Florence Reed, in her role in a new
play, " The Mirage," exemplifies the pre-
vailing vampire modes. In depicting a
young person who is occupying a New
York apartment on the easiest lease, she
runs the gamut of gowns.
For specialized vamping she wears
jade green chiffon, supplemented by a
full-length panel of Oriental shimmy-
For general high jinks she dons a gown
of white with heavy strands of jeweled
For contrition, or the morning after, a
modest gray chiffon house robe, edged
with bands of chinchilla, is most becom-
Just what the correct costume is for
ablution, or the bath, we are unable to
say. Possibly it is nothing to speak of.
Tucntytwo THE TATLER
A Khyme of Reformation
"By Sloane Gordon
T/T/"HEN P. Augustus Popinjay first blinked into the light of day,
' y He vainly voiced his violent indignation —
He kicked his heels and howled in rage
And for a youngster of his age
Put up a lively line of lamentation.
When P. Augustus went to school he made it his unfailing rule
To tittle-tattle every pecadillo;
In every hour of every day
He took somebody's joy away,
From waking time until he hit the pillow.
As tempus fugitted and flew, Augustus sour and sourer grew;
He disapproved and deprecated gladness:
Whene'er he mingled with the throng
He found conditions redly wrong,
Which simply saturated" Gus with sadness.
In gloom he set about to free the race from its frivolity —
To pluck us as a brand from out the burning —
He organized, with great ado,
The Sons and Daughters of Taboo;
Who specialized in soulfulness and yearning.
But long before the world grew pure ; while still the Devil laid his lure
To gather sinful souls to regions warmer;
Gus got a pain beneath his lid
His works began to skip and skid,
And doctors came to save the great reformer.
All efforts made to diagnose the cause of P. Augustus' woes
Were futile till his head was given heed to;
And then — Eureka! No mistake!!
They called it mental belly-ache
And paled at what the malady might lead to.
The doctors, ere they went away from P. Augustus Popinjay
Prescribed as follows: Spiritus frumenti:
(A foreign form that doctors use
To designate a bit of booze)
For P. Augustus they prescribed a-plenty.
The medicine had zip and zest: Augustus put it 'neath his vest
And promptly doffed the dolor of the high-brow;
He gamboled gaily on the green —
He dubbed a dizzy doll a queen
And dashed him off a ditty to her eye-brow.
Now not a knock annoyeth Gus; he careth not a carnal cuss:
The primrose path of dalliance he treadeth:
He picketh posies on the way —
He lifteth loud a lilting lay —
The salve with prodigality he spreadeth.
And now you know the stuff to take
In case of mental belly-ache.
From Head to Foot
By Adele Vryce
with a down-
ward trend to
shade the eyes,
are in favor for
is one that har-
the classic con-
tours of Mar-
>TfHE up-to-date savage maid in
■*■ the best South Sea Island
circles doesn't realize what a
fashion creator she really is. But
if she were to step on the magic
carpet with a one-way ticket to
Fifth avenue, she would discover
a lot of details in the spring modes
which look like home.
Simplicity is the keynote of her
wardrobe. If she wishes to be
properly gowned, she takes a short
— a very short — piece of figured
material, sews it d ;\vn the sides,
cuts a hole for the neck, and is
then ready to step in preparatory
to stepping out.
To complete the de-
sired effect, she twines
flowers and wreaths
about her waist, or
enci rcles her bobbed
hair, her arms and her
legs in coral beads.
And while she's amus-
(Continucd on next Qagc)
Dotted net and
taffeta are com-
bined in this chic
and novel spring
frock, with wide
r u e h i n g at
sleeves and col-
l a r , worn by
of " Lady Billy "
Two - strap satin
slippers show off
to particular ad-
vantage when ac-
companied by a
(Continued from page 23)
ing herself over a cocoanut sundae in the
South Sea shade (if any), her sister
(under the skin) on Fifth Avenue is
likewise sewing up rich brocades and
cutting a hole for the neck, and twisting
flowers and feathers and beads around
their arms, their waists and their
coiffures. Even the debutante bobbed
hair is a steal from the Antipodes.
Of course, the most extreme cut in the
South Seas omits everything except the
girdle of beads. Long Island, however,
dictates a certain amount of chiffon in
cherry or crimson of the flaming tropic
The girdles are made of cloth of gold,
embroidered in beads, or they are numer-
ous strands of beads woven together, or
they may be flowers or even clusters of
fruit sewed on a silken ribbon.
The old adage that the styles repeat
themselves once in seven years seems to
be on the scrapheap this spring. Instead
of one certain style coming in this
spring, the modish shops are showing a
surprisingly diverse array of patterns.
You will find such designs as basques,
hoop skirts, full and tight skirts, long
and short waists, long and short sleeves
— all rubbing elbows, so to speak, in the
Stockings will discard the lace inserts
that decorated the insteps and instead
will show long stripes of Valenciennes in-
sertion running from the heel to the top
of the stocking at the back. The ex-
tremely sheer weaves will continue in
The vernal season implies no import-
ant changes of footwear from the win-
ter styles. Women have been going
about in slippers and gauze and they
will continue to do so. The only differ-
ence will be in the appearance of more
Patent leather slippers are booked for
high favor. Some of them will be piped
with white and black, and strapped with
an anklet of leather, and some will be
fastened with three gold clasps.
Reading, like the Chinaman, from bot-
tom to top, we discover that buttons, ban-
ished from other parts of the costume to
a great extent, have found a haven on
some of the new hats. One model is a
turban of black satin with buttons of
nickel and crystal. Stand-up and stick-
out effects in ostrich will not be so smart
as the softer and trailing models. The
feather trimming, on most of the new
models, trails to the shoulder.
The beauty patch is back in favor
among Parisiennes, and doubtless it
won't be long in crossing to this side of
the pond. They are very small, round,
and worn chiefly with black gowns, black
being in high vogue for the spring
Gloves, which are so exacting a part
of the fastidiously dressed woman,
proved the undoing of three women mag-
istrates in England recently. It seems
they failed to remove their gloves while
being sworn, and the presiding magis-
trate took the view that they were in
contempt of court. Apparently the Eng-
lish believe in dispensing justice with
Well, after all these years of saying
slighting things about corsets, and how
much damage they do, and how benighted
we are to tolerate them, and comparing
the wearing of corsets to the Chinese
practice of binding the feet — after all
this, along come the experts and an-
nounce that the corset is quite essential
to the modern woman. If a woman
changes her mind, people say that's her
privilege. And so when an expert
changes his mind — well, that's his.
This is to be a cuffless season for
Coats are being cut slightly longer by
the fashionable tailors.
Trousers are likewise slightly longer,
and moderately belled at the bottom.
Collars will be worn longer — if possi-
ble — in Greenwich Village.
ft/fY lady wears a Paris frock,
■'■'■*■ A dashing feathered toque,
The richest gems that gold can buy,
The smartest sable cloak;
But now my heart is whole again —
The heart my lady broke.
Last night I had the quaintest dream,
So beastly odd and droll:
I heard the bells of heaven swing,
I watched the gates unroll
And there I saw my lady gowned
Quite simply in her soul.
Three Exponents of the Dance
Did the Old Boys Have It On Us?
T/iyHEN Erasmus J.
V V Puddefoot went to
market with a basket on
his arm, back in 1813, he didn't have to
stop at the bank to see how much of a
balance he had. He took a ragged old
one-dollar bill, and after buying the
Sunday dinner, had enough left for three
drinks at the Pig and Whistle, and they
were regular drinks at that. At that
time 2.75 per cent was as unknown as
a transatlantic airship.
In those days there was so much bacon
lying around the house that they used to
use it for carp bait and for greasing
boots. As for young pigs and roast beef,
they got so tired of those things that
they used to resort to corn cake and wild
turkeys for a change. The butcher was
always peeved if the customer didn't
carry home ten pounds of liver and dog
meat, just to get it out of the way. A
pair of top boots, with enough leather in
them to make fifteen pairs of modern
shoes, brought $2.50. And still, in those
ancient days they used to kick on the
high cost of living.
The longer you live the more you find
out about currency and what it will not
do. What it will do is not surprising.
What it will not do is occasionally quite
shocking. When a man goes forth to-day
with a ten-dollar bill looking for a pair
of shoes, he might as well look for the
corner of Twenty-third street and Forty-
second street. It will take him just as
long to find it.
The Sunday dinner had no terrors for
our ancestors, and they didn't sit around
waiting for somebody to invite them out.
The old man would take the muzzle-
loader, a quarter's worth of powder
and ten cents' worth of shot and go out
Bj' ^Montgomery oMack
in the woods b,ack of the
barn and pick up a Sun-
day dinner. Turkey, veni-
son and grouse were at his disposal. If he
were particular he could pick up a mess
of quail, and there was a standing bet
in every village that no man could eat a
quail a day for thirty days. When they
had turkey they ate the white meat and
threw the dark meat to the dogs. A
turkey nowadays costs what grand-
father used to make for a week's wages.
Still, some people pity the ancients
who enjoyed none of the modern im-
Everybody owned a red plush cow or
two, and the Milk Trust could go hang.
If anybody had the temerity to mention
that milk was worth 18 cents a quart
they would have had the alienists on his
case in fifteen minutes and he would be
wheeling a wheelbarrow upside down in
the insane asylum grounds within two
They got along so well without mod-
ern improvements that they generally
lived to a ripe old age, and it seemed
possible that some of them would have
to be shot on judgment day. The tele-
phone and telegraph were unknown, and
they always got their bad news a few
days late, which tended to prolong life
and to stave off nervous prostration.
There were 9,873 diseases that they
knew nothing about, for microbes had
not been invented.
Domestic felicity was hitting on all
twelve cylinders and there was not more
than one divorce in five thousand mar-
riages. A man who could make ten iron
men every week piled up a fortune.
Pity our poor ancestors. They had a
Things You'll Never See In the Movies
CAMERA man with the peak of his
cap in front.
Bathing girl in the water.
Captain of industry who does not
waste his time puffing at a large black
Detective who doesn't wear a derby
hat and close-cropped mustache.
Hero who does not wear a wasp-waist
suit from the House of Ginsberg.
Vampire who does not appear in jade
ear-rings and black clinging gown.
Comedian with shoes that fit him.
Englishman who is not tall, thin and
Frenchman without a wisp of up-
turned mustache and a goatee.
Newrich man breaking into society,
who does not shake hands with the
Greenwich Village Follies Favorites
Reflections of a Flounder
/^\NE party on Broadway says Henry Ford is sore at the Jews and has started a
^S crusade against them because the Jews can make more money selling second-
hand Fords than he can make selling new ones.
I met a chorus girl the other day who didn't have a set of sables. It was so cold
she didn't feel like wearing them.
Astronomers have discovered a star that is a million times more brilliant than
the sun. But Broadway managers are doing that all the time.
Kitty Gordon, according to report, has fifty gowns, and Mary Garden has seventy,
and the author of this column has to go to bed when he sends his suit to the presser.
A married friend of ours is not surprised that the women are successful as
leaders of bandit-gangs. They know how to go through a man's clothes.
One restaurant advertises a chicken dinner for $1, but I have not been able to
buy a dinner for a chicken for that amount in ten years.
Flo Ziegfeld is going to take the Follies over to London. It is said that the ward-
robe mistress has gone on ahead with all the costumes in a suitcase.
Dancing with your own wife, according to a friend of mine, is like drinking near-
beer. You don't care how soon the party breaks up.
The Ladies — Bless 'Em
'T'HEY are upon us,
■*■ boys. They have
never felt just right since
we knocked 'em out at the Battle of the
Amazons many centuries ago. Up to
that time they were the goods. When
Jerome W. Stonehatchet wanted a nickel
he had to ask his wife, Matilda Skin-
clothes Stonehatchet, for it and then
maybe he got it.
The old man stayed at home and oper-
ated the fireless cooker while friend
wife went down to the city hall and let
sewer contracts and discharged police-
men. Then we got it away from them.
How we did it has never been explained
to this day.
But now, they are coming back. Take
Mary Garden is impresario and gen-
eral passenger agent of the Chicago
Opera company and is getting away with
it. When a tenor wants the star dress-
ing room he has to see Mary. If he
wants a raise in salary he has to see
Anne Morgan has promoted a suc-
cessful prize fight for devastated France
and more people went to that prize fight
than to any other in American ring an-
nals. It cost 16 smacks per seat, at that.
Mrs. Marshall Field III has promoted a
wrestling tournament in Chicago, no
We see how one Wall street woman is
general manager of a bank and gets fifty
By ^py K. eMoulton
thousand bucks a year.
Another one has got up
a trust company with all
women directors and officers.
Numerous hold-up gangs headed by
women have been discovered and the
lady-bandit is more deadly than the
male, as old Kippered Herring once
said in a poem. When a man is held up
by a woman bandit, he stays held up.
The ladies are also running barber
shops, building bridges, acting as assis-
tant district attorneys and one has just
been appointed county judge out in
Iowa. We don't know what the first
man sentenced by this judge will get,
but he will get something.
One editor has recently asked : " Is
there a weaker sex? " We'll say there
is. We know it because we belong to it.
48th STREET THEATRE
Eaat of B'way MaU. Thur«. & Sat.
THE OUTSTANDING HIT
OF THE SEASON
The BROKEN WING
SEE THE CRASHING AEROPLANE
Merry Movie Maids
Confessions of a Film Hound
TT/'ENT to the movies the other night
W to see a romance of the American
Revolution, and the young Continental
officer who was the hero stood talking to
the heroine. As he did so he leaned
against a telephone instrument.
Was much interested in a Russian
anarchistic picture play. The plot was
laid in the days of Catherine the Great.
One of the most impressive scenes was
in Catherine's study. On the large,
heavy, fiat-topped desk there stood a
modern American telephone instrument.
I have seen some startling things in
the movies. Last night I witnessed a
romantic play laid in dear old England.
The scene was just outside Nottingham.
The hero grasped the heroine and pulled
her out from under the freight train
just in time and the English Bobby ran
up and carried her to a nearby house.
The freight car which was just about to
crush the life out of the beautiful girl
was labelled " Delaware and Lacka-
Friday night, during one of the
serials, the scene was laid in Paris. The
heroine was picked up by the villain and
hurled into a waiting taxicab and hur-
ried away. While the taxicab was wait-
ing I had time to note its license number,
which was " CAL. 5647893."
It was a pretty romance at Petrograd,
in spite of all the Bolshevik terrors. The
eloping couple hurried down the stairs
to reach the Nevsky Prospekt, where
their carriage waited. There was ter-
rible suspense as they hastened to the
carriage. Finally they got there and
I noticed, as they climbed into the hack,
that they did so right in front of a build-
ing which bore the sign: "WESTERN
UNION TELEGRAPH COMPANY."
Where is My Wandering Boy Today?
TX/'ELL may a mother ask, if her son
V V is in the motion picture business
— the business end of it. If you don't
believe it, read the movie magazines and
papers. For instance:
Max Weinstein, who was with the
Cosmopolite Films last week as general
manager, is a director with Screencraft,
Ltd., this week, but has tendered his
resignation to take effect Saturday
night, after which he will be with Film-
art as publicity director.
Ben Bolt, who has been with Filmart
for nearly three weeks and is considered
H veteran in the office, has tendered his
resignation and after this week will be
found at the offices of Cosmopolite Films
in the capacity of general manager.
Ludy Bingle, who was publicity mana-
ger for Punkart all last week in spite
of many rumors of a change during that
time, is now with the Hazy Motion Pic-
ture Co., but has just bought the con-
trolling interest in Consolidated Films
and will move over there on the 15th.
Abe Rothstein, who signed a seven-
year contract with the Flicker Film Cor-
poration last week at a substantial in-
crease in salary, quit yesterday to accept
a nine-year contract with Cosmopolite.
When a director writes to a friend
and asks said friend to come up to the
projecting room and see a picture, he
adds : " I am giving great satisfaction
here and am turning out some master-
pieces, but you had better come Wednes-
day sure, as on Thursday I may be with
Making a luncheon date with a screen
executive more than two days ahead is
risky business. Even if you do arrive at
the hour appointed you are more than
apt to find that he is on the way to the
Coast to join another producing com-
pany. A lot of good lunches are lost
TT7"E lingered by the shop display,
VV 'Twas March when all our fancy
To growing things in fields away,
And so we marked the rakes and hoes.
Around the streets the gales careened;
The wind tossed gowns we must sup-
Were watched by men who idly leaned,
Again we have the rakes and hose.
By W. R. Hoefer
A PRIL FIRST is the universal holi-
-<i day of Old Mammy Earth. All
Fools' Day is correct. It is the-one date
in the human schedule when we admit
publicly that we are all fools some of
the time, part fool all of the time, and
that some of us bat three hundred con-
tinually in the Silly Circuit. Even Solo-
mon in all his glory had foolish inter-
ludes when he could make an inmate of
a Foolish Factory resemble a double-
portion of Rodin's Thinker multiplied by
The Three Wise Men.
Sol was the heavyweight wisdom
champ of all ages, with a wicked think
wallop in each brain lobe, and so much
sense ballasted between his ears that by
comparison the ordinary Doctor of Phil-
osophy looks like a kindergarten addict
having a mental convulsion trying to
dope out a set of pretty building blocks.
He was a wise piece of structure. He
had to be to make up for his occasional
silly lapses, to-wit: many a man bewails
the taking on of his one wife as the su-
preme simp-tom of his weary existence.
Yet Sol was a thousand times as foolish;
he took a thousand wives, deponent say-
eth not whose, in apparent sanity and
If there is anyone who will not assay
a goodly portion of pure fool to the hu-
man pound he is either the basis of a
grave-yard epitaph or as well concealed
as the profits in an income-tax report.
The wise business man chuckles at the
comical come-on in the con-game set-up
and titters at the phoney stock-
dispenser's stone-thatched victim, yet he
cheerfully expends eighty-seven dollars
to view a rough-house betwixt a duo of
low-browed pugilists and lets a vapid
vamp with no more charm than a bill
collector trim him of everything but his
whiskers and make him gladly jump
through the hole she has made in his
His smart, clever wife pities the poor
animals because they are so dumb and
gaily giggles at the stupidity of the
preening peacock and then forthwith in-
habits silk hosiery in zero weather, furs
when the heat is kicking the top off the
thermometer, calsomines her face as red
ar baby's Christmas rattle and goes to
Sort of Jekyll and Hyde combination of
Doris Kenyan. First as her smiling self
and as she looks in " The White Villa "
meet curvature-of-the-spine on French
heels so lofty it would sprain a rattle-
snake's throat trying to look up to her
We could enumerate other subjects of
the Foolish Kingdom until Gabriel blows
Reveille, but what's the use? Gaze into
your own mirror and then celebrate
April First according to your particular
Yea, verily. "All-Fools Day " is no
Where Is A Guy Going To Love?
'T'HEY seem to be put-
■* ting the K. O. on the
bird who really wants to
court a girl in New York City and marry
her. The authorities won't let them get
Now Rev. Wilbur Crafts and his
crowd are going to investigate the
movies and the movies ■ represents the
last stand of the ardent swain in an un-
sympathetic city. The only place he can
find solitude with the young lady for
whom he desires to become a permanent
meal ticket is in a movie crowd where
there are so- many people watching the
love scenes on the screen that they don't
see the love, scenes in the audience.
The young beau can sit with his arm
about the waist of his sweetheart and
with her head on his manly shoulder,
which seems to be the favorite New York
movie hold, and when the hero on the
screen says : " Marguerite, will you
make me the happiest of men?" he can
" Them's the very words I have been
wanting to say to you for four years,
Sadie, but I never could think of them."
" Oh, this is so suddint, darlink," Sadie
can say, and another installment plan
Eden has been started, with open plumb-
ing, hot and cold water, southern expos-
ure, janitor service, gas stove and form-
fitting garbage pail.
But the end of movie love-making is
in sight. Rev. Wilbur of the Lord's Day
Alliance is going to make the movie
And there is nothing doing any more
in Central Park. The park is now closed
®j> Louisa ISollwood
by the police during the
interesting hours and no
young man can make love
in daylight with taxicabs, rubberneck
wagons and baby cabs whizzing around
him in every direction. Why, just re-
cently the park commissioners bought a
lot of new cement benches, but they
placed every bench right under an elec-
tric light. Maybe the commissioners
knew what they were doing and maybe
they didn't, but so far as the park wooer
is concerned, it was a bonehead play. A
bench under an electric light gives him
and his gal all the privacy of the presi-
dent making his inaugural address.
Courting on top of the Fifth avenue
bus is hampered considerably at times
by the curiosity of fellow passengers and
no young man can do a good job when
he has to hold onto his hat, drop dimes
in the register and pick himself up off
the floor every time the bus turns a cor-
ner and swishes him off the seat. In the
winter it is impossible to court on top
of the bus without buying the lady a fur
coat to begin with and this is risky busi-
ness. After the lady gets the coat she
may decide it is no use getting married.
But they keep on getting married
somehow, by doing their courting in sub-
way kiosks, " L " stations and in cars
on the Coney Island switchback railroad.
It isn't always possible for the young
lady and gentleman to get each others
names correctly on account of the noise
but this can all be straightened out at
the marriage license window where they
can have a few words in private while
the clerk is filling out the blank.
Some people are so dry that talking to them is like chewing a blotter.
Sometimes a woman is fooled by imitation pearls, but it takes a man to be fooled
by imitation tears.
The wise farmer always dresses up his scarecrow in men's clothes. If he
dolled it up in women's clothes, there'd surely be some old bird hanging around.
One person in the United States has an income of $5,000,000 a year, and yet the
chances are that the neighbors think his wife looks dowdy.
April Fool's day isn't as widely observed as it used to be. After all, there are
three hundred and sixty-four other opportunities.
Among the things you read about but never see is a crease in a fat man's
J Homes from
\ Coast to Coast
Seasons Sparkling Song Sensation
I know yon so well Bright
c/fs/C YOUR FAVORITE ORCHESTRA TOPLAY IT.
OJSK YOUR FAVORITE SINGER TO SING IT.
FOR SALE AT ALL MUSIC STORES
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